I am alive and it’s just because

I exist simply cause someone else wills it so? Or is it cause I simply will it so? Is it due to the mass of electrons and atoms and superfluous nonsense that comprises me wishing to be me? Will I know when it’s time for me to go? Is there some sort of chemical that burns inside my veins that shuts out the dark and, will one day join it to bring me to succumb to the infinite?

It is so easy to be cynical. So easy to hate. So easy to spend your time like Madonna at the Billboard awards, sunglassed, rambling and, shaky. Fearing what our next words will be and, more importantly if they will be our last. I have been all these things more than once. I have always existed in between the boundaries. Between the lines of genres, fads, good taste etc. Perhaps that is why its so easy for me to cast judgment or vulgarly try to reconcile these things in my own way. Perhaps I am the spanner in the works.

I am a mess of a human being. I am not dilluded so much as not to notice this. But, I like to imagine I’m closer to divinity than any of you fucks. I don’t need any god in particular to be whole, I simply need the piece of mind my own actions afford me. I am me that is the only thing I know.

My son: ( walking home looking at a cloudy sky ) we’re on the dark side huh

Me: yeah, you could say that

My son: ( now looking at a clearer section of sky ) hmm but we’re not totally dark side right?

Me: he he I guess you could say that too

The metaphor hurts with its appropriateness. Well I’m gonna leave it at that for now and, remember, if you don’t sin you can’t be saved.

– Nivek Natnof


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