I don’t have to tell you a fucking thing you know. The only explanation is the ones I’ve pain staking written in the history books. The details forever lost to everyone except me. The world I created in my own image. This whole thing though is like some sort of masturbatory confessional of sorts. If anyone else heard anything I am about to say I would kill them just as look at them too. No one else is privy to this; no one else can be. The idiots and killers, the sluts and saviors we encounter later, none of them know what had to be done to make all of this possible. Well not this shit hole we’re in now but the world to come. Everything that will occur and how it will shape everything has to be exact. That means both the good and the bad things have to happen. All of it was real. All of it will be real. You know they tell time travel stories all the time in movies and books and comics and, they never get any of it right. There is always a paradox; there is always some perversion of physics. I don’t know if it is placed there for the sake of drama or to incite action or purpose but it is always there. Not in this story though. I can promise you that much. It is happening exactly how I remember it.
There are so few times in anyone’s life when they can truly appreciate the gravity upon themselves. You spent the first decade and a half of your existence trying so desperately to destroy yourself. To rebel against some imagined slight brought upon by the very people who raised you. How bold you feel. How empowered. How merciful they were to allow such blasphemy. So you stand on your own with hands squeezing so tight the whites of your knuckles could explode sending bone and viscera through delicate flesh. Shredding both concept and actualization of the situation you will eventually find yourself in. Those hands that know nothing of the burden that awaits them. It doesn’t matter though cause here you are; you’re ready and you’re willing to devour everything and declare it your own. Only you did not understand that the world unlike your family wouldn’t just sit idly by and die in the night. No the world is alive and it has hungers and demands far greater than your own.
It is at this time you remember everything ever said to you by insufferable relatives at every holiday get together. Uncle Frank wasn’t just drunkenly making a fool of himself when he pissed on the Christmas tree and said that pappy could go fuck himself. There was a reason to those words and those actions. Uncle Frank was a man long broken by life. You think back earlier to when he showed up at your seventh birthday and Aunt Regina was there and everyone was happy it seemed. There were presents and cake and everyone smiled. When you look back on it now you recognize the way they choked back the idea of strangling each other. It was only your 15th birthday when you learned pappy was getting regular blow jobs from Aunt Regina in the bathroom for prescription pills that put Uncle Frank over the edge. Petty people and their petty vices putting on pretty faces for the people they pretended to love. Uncle Frank saw past it while he pissed on that tree. right up to the point that he pissed on a light socket and electrocuted himself he was still smiling. The world is broken and someone needs to say something but no one cares to. Not really.
So what do you do now? You first child is born. Dragged kicking and screaming into this world without a chance to make a choice. How do you go about making things right for them? You don’t right fucking know do you? Of course you don’t. how could you. Things will seem easy. Love will seem like the answer. It isn’t. It never was. You go ahead though you raise that beautiful girl into something you are proud of; something that makes your pointless existence make sense. Maybe you won’t be such a waste of space. You at least contributed her to the greater scheme of things. You will try not to cry while she grows to hate you and slowly separates herself from you in every way. You will continue and you will strive no matter how defeated you become. You will love her mother simply cause easily they will be the sweetest damn thing you ever saw and you don’t know what else this life could be about. You won’t be wrong. There will come times I can’t deny that at all; there will come times that will seem impossible but you will overcome them. The two of you. Multiplying through the years, replicating yourselves merging and molding things that set in motion everything you will ever know. All of it happened, all of it will happen.
There is barely enough gas in the car to get you home let alone to get you all to safety. Best to board the windows in advance and brace for the coming storm. You send the kids to your in-laws a few days before it makes land. Everyone survives that way; no funerals no shoe box sized coffins filled with could have beens and what ifs. I know this seems like a lot at once but trust me it will be even larger. What comes after the storm is what first makes things seem like they could be different. The initial refusal to accept things as they are sets in place the ideas that manifest in all of the possible tomorrows. Things started because of a want for a better world for the future, power came after. You will remember the taste for years to come. Every time you tell yourself it is for her you will remember how it felt when he died. He loved and he died, all of it happened; all of it will happen.
The world is still abysmal. The air still reeks of regretful sex. You might imagine at this point in your life that you have been simply imagining all the awful things you notice. Maybe you are just being bitter. You of course are wrong and in time I promise you will come to understand that. Remain optimistic, be ever truthful to that pseudo altruism that you wear so well. Those things that wake you in the middle of the night are just side effects of drugs long since taken. They are I don’t know a game perhaps you play with yourself to keep yourself grounded. We’ve met so many times now though you either have a stubborn case of dissociative identity disorder or I’m real and all the things we talk about in those lonely nights come to pass. I know you understand I remember the whole thing and how it happened. Some god forsaken woman you know dies in a toilet and suddenly it all makes sense. Then you know what needs to be done and that it isn’t a bunch of shit. I don’t have a lot of patience at this particular time of all times so listen closely. Tomorrow when Mitt calls you; when he calls like he does every fucking week trying to get you to do some smash and grab. You just hang up on the twat. Do you hear me? Just fucking hang up on him. You would look for shit in that get up anyhow. You do otherwise and I’m going to come back and knock you around the damn room you hear me? Good. We make sure all of it happened; all of it will happen.
Get the fuck up out of the rain. You look like bleeding hell you sorry sack of shit. I missed Mitt’s funeral did I ? what the fuck happened to him? Hhmmh..So you say he tried to pull some asshole over that night while dressed like a cop and the guy fucking ganked him huh? That one of those nights he wanted you to go with him? Well you see right fucking there; aren’t you glad you listened to me. Listen I’m terribly sorry about mom. You got to pull out of this though. Look at yourself. You can’t even hold yourself up. In a perfect world we would always be there to tell them we love them before they die but you can’t just kill yourself mourning them either. Cause if you kill yourself than they really stay dead then. There’s no one to remember them no one to bridge things. Change things. You got to make the world different man. Guarantee that there is a fucking point to this whole fucking mess of shit; hell if not for you or your mom for your kids man. Make something that gives them a fighting fucking chance. I know it’s hard. I know it burns like hell. You can do this though. She’s here supporting you, loving you. Don’t you want her to be happy too? Make sure her happiness flies through the night even if you feel defeated and all of it happened; all of it will happen.
Well friend this is it. This is the scene where we catch each other’s eyes and trade approving smiles. Acknowledging the journey along the way. Everything I ever told you and every fight we ever had about stupid shit has lead up to this day. I hate to leave you in such suspense I truly do. I’m sure you’ve built this little moment up in your own head. Wondering what it would be like. Keep an open mind is all I can say for sure. See there the streaks are already filling the sky. It looks like someone slit the skies throat I swear. It is impressive no matter how many times you see it. Be strong man. You made it this far and there is no reason not to complete it now. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day I promise you. There has been a moment building its engines and pointing them directly this way. You have always been that engine, you steered. I might have navigated the map but in the end what’s the difference? It’s moments like these I feel I should have written some shit down; maybe thought ahead a little more than I already did and prepared something else. It all makes sense after today though I promise you James. I really mean that. I’ll be seeing you, heh sooner than you think. In the end though you know; all of it happened.
It’s exactly how I remember it James. Of course you won’t get why that’s funny till later. Flashback humor buddy. “you pretty weird mister.” Yeah James I get that a lot. You might too one day so be nice to people and treat them fair. “did you make up all that stuff?” Not a word, scout’s honor. You’ll see. I’m sure I’m going to have to pop in again here and there James but one day you are going to rewrite the whole wide world and become god. “Why don’t I just let god take care of it now?” Mehehe James I promise you when you are older and this all makes a lot more sense it is for the very best reasons. Sometimes people get lazy and don’t do such a good job so we fire ‘em and get someone else to do the job. “so I’m gonna fire god?” Oh James in ways you can’t even imagine buddy. Just keep one thing in mind for me ok. “ok what is it?” Oh James just remember that even when you skin your knees I’m there and when it seems like things are just too tough for little boy gods; I’m there. Just keep telling yourself one thing James, all of it happened; all of it will happen.