Reboot

I was nearly in an automobile accident today.

Almost being the important word I suppose. The scenario could have gone numerous and many differing ways. I see them all very clearly now when I close my eyes. Like drive in movies that I have no control over. You see the course went this way. I was driving down Gunnery Road at approximately 47-48 mph, the speed limit being 45 mph. Now normally I would have had music playing loudly but today I did not ad before you jump to conclusions I am in no way saying this has anything to do do with divine intervention or anything related; I am merely commenting on the absurdity that is the chaos of our very lives.

I had the green light to go and was behind one other vehicle he too crossed the intersection, now the driver on the alternate side of us our mirrored versions decided he was going to make a U turn. I cannot speak for anyone else as I do not honestly know if he just jumped out or if the person in front of me was traveling too fast, I simply do not know. period. I do know that in this fraction of a plank second everything just stopped. Time ceased. I attempted to brake and the the two cars narrowly avoided each other.

This is good only it now caused me new problems.

If I continue to try braking I will most certainly slam into the rear end of the person in front of me. Collision, definite Injuries tbd

I swerve and stop launching me into the median and the signs within it. Collision, definite Injuries tbd

I swerve aggressively into on coming traffic missing the median but almost certainly being t-boned by oncoming vehicles. Collision, most probable Injuries tbd

I swerve aggressively and hit the accelerator and veer into the 7-11 gas station parking lot. Collision probable but avoidable, Injuries tbd

I choose the 7-11 option in  what seems like a fraction of a fraction, this is good as no one gets hurt. Everyone gets to walk away.

The problem I am now faced is that when I close my eyes I still see the other options playing out and they are not the sort of thing you want to watch more than once. Limbs flailing, metal crunching, screams, blood, uncertainty. I see myself struggling with a lifeless version of myself to get out of the car and to safety. I look tired and sad and this pleases me not at all. I despise dwelling on such things. I am uncomfortable with the idea of dying alone and away from my family.

I went to work and found that I could not tolerate being there. So I went home. I stare in the mirror and see that same face in my head tired and sad. It is not me but it could have been. I am finding that I am awful at dealing with myself. So in between moments of sobbing irrationally and nothing I plan how to compose myself so as not to tell my children about any of this because I know it will upset them. That I will not allow. I have spoken with Bria already and she has been very supportive. I know without her this could be even worse. With her I have someone to hug when everything wells up and I can not pretend to not be effected by mortality and what it represents about how I am dealing with it. If I had died without her it would be even more an atrocity, orphans is what my legacy could have been. These are all irrational thoughts and I know it and I cannot help myself.

Shut me off and fix me please.

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