Hello world. I warn you now look away.
Today I “voluntarily resigned” at work. I use quotes because obviously I was fired but they presented this as an option to as they said, “save me the humiliation” of being escorted out. I do not even know where to begin with this. At first, when they sat me down and gave me that “bite down on this” smile I was shattered; I think that upsets me the most. The fact that it effected me like it did. I am in no way well adjusted at feeling the things I feel and, to feel this was…upsetting.
For full disclosure sake, I have worked off and on for this company for several years. I worked originally on one program and than came back after being released seasonally the following year. I participated in a pilot program and helped enact the contract. I of course was a mere cog in the machine. I have never asked to be praised. I never asked for a raise. Nothing. The training we received at the project’s start was well below par and, the management or team leads; however you want to title them were all as inexperienced as their subordinates. They merely picked a dozen or so and said you guys are the best we have so make it work. They offered a full time permanent job, pay was the same as what we started as but was noted as upon gaining the contract would be restated for all of us who made all of that possible.
While we all worked together to make the project work I take no shame in admitting I while having an immense disdain for the area of work I was in had learned my way for the most part in and out of the software and procedures and policies it required. I enjoyed helping my co-workers when they required it. Considering our lackluster training and the companies hiring policies there was neither a shortage of those that needed help understanding or performing. I mean that in absolutely no negative connotation or similarly derogatory fashion. Everyone learns differently, we are all human, we are all trying to survive. If you work with me and put forth an effort and I see you struggling I will help you without a second thought. I will use up hours of my own personal time to make sure “we” succeed because at this point in my life anything else seems counter productive and frankly fucking stupid. I am rambling I know, shut up. I busted my ass a lot to make things work pure and simple.
Moving on things eventually would begin to slow down and more and more others got their bearings after literally being thrust into what is best described as a roulette wheel for a job. You being the ball and you hope you land somewhere good. The wheel though starts spinning at dangerous velocities while intermittently slowing and increasing until it’s eventual stabilization. March 2016 comes and my father dies.
The son of a bitch old man who aggravated the ever fucking piss out of me day in and day out, with his casual racism, his sexism and his attitude in general up and fucking dies on me. I miss that glorious, proud son of a bitch more than words can ever say. He was from a time before most of you reading this can fathom and in that he was perfect. Flawed as hell but the man loved. I feel proud to have known him. He tried to make right, he was learning. This will not become his eulogy, my soliloquy. I mentioned this for context.
So march 2016 occurred and I was brought out of state and had to take a leave of absence from my job. Everything seemed like it would be fine. It was not. I was more a wreck than I thought I would be and somewhere along the way someone in HR screwed some paper work up and so I sat without pay for almost three months. I looked for other work believing I had been fired after a time. No one had contacted me to allow me to return. I accept my own part in not openly pursuing the entire thing more considering maybe just maybe things would be different had I chased them more but I was in a state of mental unrest and at the best of times convinced that despite my best intention the best ending I had to look forward to one day was dying alone and fingers crossed not shitting myself upon entropies sweet embrace thus leaving some horrible mess for some other person. there were failings all around for sure. There was to be some contact though I was told and I sat on that. There was supposed to be some customary process I was told to my return and I would require some up training etc. Nothing ever happened.
Some time later I receive a call from another person in HR informing me of the discrepancy and wanting to know if I could return to work. Like an autistic handed a hot dog I smiled. I thought to myself, “Hey I get to go back to people I know, to some sort of security and that isn’t a bad thing.” So, I while still very much the nihilist appeared optimistic, some may even say too much so. Regardless I returned to work and things seemed well. I am going to gloss over the insubstantial portion of time in between. I of course provided a death certificate etc and proof of my absence.
After a while though, things in my mind started to sour. I make no excuses. Excuses are useless. It matters not if it was my mental state, maybe I was just disillusioned, maybe I simply lost interest. I refuse to blame anything else other than things change sometimes. End of the day I was not happy with my job, I worked it because I needed to. I started to fall behind in my studies and maybe that was a warning sign of a growing depression who knows. You take enough time studying enough things you learn a little bit about everything. What I have learned is that trying to understand an individuals mind is futile. Even your own. The best we can hope for is acceptance if no where else at least within the self. So at some point I grabbed my shoe strings, yanked myself up and pulled at least half of myself out of my own ass. I took a term off from school so as not to screw myself and I spent more time with my wife and kids and worked on my writing. Things did not pop right back into line but they were working on it. I was sick a few times. There were also a few days I honestly just wanted to say fuck it. I didn’t though. Screw that noise. I am far too arrogant, I am far too much to be contained I will not allow myself to simply expire or fade away. Fuck you depression.
Please do not be stupid. You clearly know that, there is no way it works that simple.
It was at least manageable though and for fucks sake in this day and age, with friends and loved ones dying all around me from suicides and overdoses, old age and inevitability. I could make it work. I have three brilliant fucking kids who are turning into awesome little people and I am overwhelmed with pity for your children, for when they one day encounter mine it will be like fire. They are every bit their mother and I and for those that truly know us they can appreciate the reckoning that our brood will be upon this great country of ours. You are welcome America. I love you. So it was manageable.
Fast forward a few to the past few weeks, a TL position opens up and I decide to apply for it. I inform those around me that I am doing so hoping for perhaps some support and an opportunity at something better. Considering what I had put into the company and how many other coworkers I knew supported the idea of me going into the position I actually felt pretty good about the whole thing. Why should I not? I have no previous write ups, I have never stolen from the company, I did not show up to work drunk or high like so many other people did on a regular basis. I never started fights. I am not a convicted child molester or sex offender like numerous people there are. It is public record folks, check it out sometime. The people around you everyday, their sick fucking monsters. Not just in my area, in all of those reading this too. No one presents themselves as they are, they present to you a mask they need to survive. Monsters hiding behind human faces laughing and sharing coffee, making jokes and than going home and “throwing bodily fluids on children under the age of twelve” or “forcing oral sex on a minor/possible familial relation while intoxicated”. They wear bracelets around their ankles to monitor where they go because they were caught with numerous accounts to child pornography and in the morning they hold the door open for you, pat you on the back with the same hand they jerked off to atrocity with; it’s all the same and everyone pretends it isn’t happening. Well fuck you, it is happening. This is your world. Please smile while we provide you the opportunity to be part of this great environment and tell you how grateful you should be for it. Kudos.
So we arrive at the time when they begin to finally perform the in house interviews. I figured eventually they would get to me and I did my job and carried on. Instead of an interview I got an email from a higher up. I was a little more than excited at first as I considered, “Holy Shit did I actually get it? Is this the e-mail that states something lucky this way comes?”
It was not.
So we pause as I need to mention that there was an event that occurred in between those last few paragraphs. Remember how I mentioned that I had never been written up? Well I lied.
OK I didn’t exactly lie. That would kind of ruin the whole groove we are on at the moment would it not? It was an omission. Why the omission you must be asking yourselves. I’m sure. Calm your tits Susan I’m getting to it OK.
I had been in a rather unimpressive manner been pulled aside in between me applying and interview day and informed that “due to the quality of my performance: I was receiving a PCN or write up. well just stick with write up. Yeah just…well just stick with write up. I asked of course for an explanation as no customers have complained about me, no members, no coworkers, no supervisors. Not a single bad word said about me. As I have mentioned before, people routinely came to me for support in performing their job. This includes supervisors who perhaps were to self impressed with how important they considered themselves to be bothered to interact with our members on any actual level other than to mock them as part of their wonderfully awful ritual of masturbatory acts and never ending patting of ones self on the back. I thought so little of the incident that I discarded it from my mind like the final season of Lost. It simply didn’t happen. It was never brought up again. How could it be? It was literally a write up about how they thought I should do better. I assure you I almost thought it was a joke. I am far from perfect but I swear to you on this oh loyal reader who hath took the time to absorb this, I could never imagine it was real considering the performance of the previously mentioned sex offenders, criminals, illiterates, autistics and the occasional actual human being in between. No way.
Fuck me for Christmas it is fucking real.
That e-mail I got was to inform me that while thy wish they could consider me for promotion that at this time it was not a possibility. What with the recent write up I had acquired. Let that sink in. I shit you not. I of course am paraphrasing but only for the intent of anonymity so as to to get in trouble for saying names of peoples and companies. You see dear reader if I am anything at all I am above the slugs in dockers who surround me. I will not cross that line. I figured things were shitty but screw it. I still get paid. Just do your job man, look for something else, keep writing, screw them. I honestly just wanted to say fuck it again. I didn’t though. Screw that noise. I am far too arrogant, I am far too much to be contained I will not allow myself to simply expire or fade away. Fuck you…everything. OK just fuck you. Spit blood, stand up, please hit me again.
I am looking for a better job and I am going to work this one till I do find one. A few more days and everything is just smiles and excuses to not slap people. You get to witness a lot of just simply awful shit in between people, especially in regards to their health and how companies within this country exactly view all of you the very people reading this. If you only knew how unacceptable it really all is you would open your own throats in horror. The things that occur day to day and with the blatant disregard for human life, that these companies take your money and watch you wiggle and writhe it wears on you more and more. Maybe it seems worse because everything seems to be shitting on you or maybe you ignored it because you thought you just did not understand it or whatever bullshit excuse there is. Fuck it.Fuck you…just…fuck you. OK. I’m OK.
Know this though. You are a number to them. A profit to be had. Anything else and your lying. FUCK YOU. I should have just left.
So today comes and I am still running around helping train people who are walking into a shit job making more money than I ever got doing the same job I was never trained to do but that I have ensured they themselves are trained to do. You see I walked in today and there was an e-mail saying that raise we were all promised actually came through starting next week. So my mood shifted, I felt lighter. Than when I stop and start to appreciate it I get that tug on the arm and sat down. Told I perform poorly and that I am a problem. I am handed several write ups and told I have to sign them. I am told that I should have been written up before, when I ask why I was not, there are no answers only the reminder that anything else would result in my humiliation. I sit in shock and can only smile because I get the joke. It’s funny. I get it it. Fuck you sideways but I get it.
I sat there shattered and signed their papers. I would not give an ounce from what was in me. NOTHING. That was mine and in no way would I allow them the satisfaction. NEVER. Shattered. Stupid. FUCK IT.
The best metaphor I can think of as we approach the end here for my time there is, that it is like being a fluffer in a porno. You suck a lot of dick while watching assholes fuck everything and everyone and there is absolutely zero opportunity that you can cum.
So fuck it. Let me be the spanner in the works. I need no mans flag aside my own. I will find a way to continue on. I resigned. This will not break me, I will crawl out of my own ruptured larynx covered in stomach acids to spit blood in the face of the universe. I will create and I will thrive and those that have wronged me be free and be healthy. Be happy and be safe.
I have always got the joke.
I forgot the punchline for a bit.
I remember now though.
Thank you for that clarity. Thank you for reading.
If you relate. I am sorry.
I will be fine.
Let me introduce myself.
I am Kevin, I breathe fire and dream demons. You could not fathom what greatness and terror I will show you; you should have looked the other way.