There exist moments in between what you are doing, what you are posting, what you are experiencing and even in between your very breaths that will simply pass you by. They happen every day. You barely even notice them if ever at all. You might not up until this very moment even honestly considered them. Sure you knew they were there. You just did not sit and consider their relevance maybe. These moments I like to consider as moments of reflection. I hear you casually vomiting from your gaping mouth holes as I type this, “This is but seconds, there is no time for the reflection” You sound snotty and French for some reason. It’s certainly not my fault. You are your own worst imaginary friend.
There is more than enough time, I promise. You see once you have started the idea rolling it gains forward momentum. Each step you take, every action performed you are carrying on the reflection. You are analyzing yourself and everyone around; scanning relentlessly for what? Areas to strengthen? weak points? character flaws? Stimulation? Arousal? Acceptance? Regardless. You are doing it. You are systematically sizing up the world around you and, in that we understand each other. How we differ is in how we use the data accumulated and how we resource it.
Myself that is. From entertaining the idea of strangling either you or myself with a bed sheet carefully hung from the support beams that my laundry room door provides. I am not making light of suicide nor am I hinting that I am even remotely flirting with the notion. I am merely making an analog towards the idea that life is becoming unbearable. If you do not like the way I write things I wonder why you are even reading this to begin with. Maybe you are some sort of literary masochist. Regardless you are here so take it how you like it.
I (cannot nor will I) regress
The me that existed prior to this died last night. He joined the corpses of leftover versions of myself that I have been collecting in my Felix the Cat bag, saving for a later date, my rainy day stash of personalities that have failed or were found wanting. They all are the proto-Kevin models of the man you see before you. I am not any different than before just skewed slightly. I still have all my dreams and ambitions, only this version is less tolerant of the naivety and ignorance that previous models was.
You remember those moments I spoke of earlier. You need to remember those because the time they bring you will accumulate into something far grander as a whole than it was at the individual moment. You perhaps can view yourself differently. Even more substantially. You cannot define yourself by the standard that anyone else is presenting. You are not a representation of some broken assholes ideology of how you should manifest yourself. The khakis you wear to your next job interview should not limit or garnish you any advantages in any way. This moment you spent reflecting or reading these words should not entail the entirety of your intentions whether they be noble or not. STOP.
I would appreciate it if for a second you took a breath and realized that the person next to you (if there is even a person), be it now or later is just as terrified of the consequences of their day to day actions. I want you to really consider though what those consequences are. Understand yourself and your minute place on this world. It is terrible and it is beautiful and you will assuredly die alone forgotten in the endless ash of time. Simply put though you should most definitely stop viewing those moments I mentioned earlier through the perspective of every asshat around you and decide that you are what you are and fuck them for allotting any pretense otherwise.
There you have it.
FUCK AWAY OFF LOCUST.
till next we speak.