For those of you in the know, and by in the know I of course mean those of you who are disparate enough to be here reading my inner monologues. My very special imaginary friends. The only ones who truly know me. The liars. The bringers of truth. Whatever moniker I am addressing you at whatever time it is wherever you are. You more than simple things. I return.

I am.

I am exploring the world of programming, linux, social engineering and cicada 3301. The brunt of this is brought on by my ever loving significant other and fellow Team Never Sleep Psychonaut Bria.

A reasonable wiki about psychonauts

The rest perhaps is just some inner scream bellowing for change. The idea that I somehow have grown content I find unsettling. For some time now my inner mission has always been one against such vulgarities.

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emoh tub erehwyna

I become.

I become to complacent and I end up hurting myself. It is never intentional; it simply is. I get too comfortable and I allow myself to get lazy and predictable. I get into habits and than those begin to dictate my very existence and frankly at this point in my life I am both far too old and too unwilling to allow this again. So I kill myself. I take a night or two and indulge that part of me that has taken the wheel and I discuss with him why things are happening and, what we plan to do about it. Of course he disagrees and spends hours trying to convince me to his way of thinking again. I can only remind him that this is exactly what got us to where we are at this very moment in time. Distressed he will bargain with me and, attempt to justify the continuation of himself as the predominant variation; this of course is futile at best. I know this because of course he knows this.

I will be.

I will be ok. It is hard to imagine and it honestly usually never seems likely but when stripped down as I am now I know this foremost. There is no illusion blinding me or skewing my perspective of things as when I am. There is just me, on  this silver moon dressed in all black. Watching everything and everyone. Like in a cocoon of myself interacting with those around me as I know I should, preparing and observing for what it is that comes next. It’s beautiful. While variations form and present complex algorithms and patterns to determine what shape I am, I get to witness everything around me in a purer filter. Metaphors upon metaphors for how crazy people function. The way I notice some of you envy it sickens me if I am being entirely honest and, at this stage I don’t see any reason not to be. You should be so happy to simply be. Smile, it’s just a laugh, just a laugh an endless echo of a cycle paralleled through infinity. Or maybe you really did just wake up and notice that half the people in the country you live in are ready to kill each other. Maybe you did notice they do not know why they are so ready. Maybe you just want to eat your circular wheat in a bowl with homogenized milk and tell me to shut the fuck up.

You will.

Become what I am. One day anyway. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. Maybe you already are. Perhaps it won’t happen until right before you are about to cease to function on this level/dimension/plain/spaceship/giant floating uterus, who knows really. It is probably not that important. Few things truly are, those things that are to some degree of importance have a way of either making themselves known or secluding themselves away from any of us so as not to be bothered by the typical shit storm of ignorance we tend to spray on each other. When you do and you will, you will know. It will scare the ever living fuck right out of you. There is nothing worse than the separation of a “man” and his certainty. Looking back I do not think anyone really acknowledges how much they cling to such novelty. It is rather absurd.

You believing you are so certain of something I mean.

Tell me what are you so certain of, think about it. Really think about it. Life? You can’t be, you could cease function tomorrow/today. Death? is it? I know I have never met an end function person. They do not talk to me, not through ouija boards or handsome television liars. Not through misguided faith talkers nor through grains of rice that I whisper kind words to late at night in hopes that I could disprove them. So there is no certainty in the two biggest topics our species has. I could go on but why? You get the point. If you do not you probably should not be reading this. Or maybe you should read it more! Go find your imaginary friend and name it Certainty.

No one.

No, no one ever comments on these things, I am fairly certain no one reads them at all. It honestly does not matter. I could spend hours writing about how to bring an elephant to climax using only your fist, a glove, fifty pounds of lubricant and a Radiohead record. They would never see it. That is alright. They would probably pay more attention if I did think about elephant semen. I refuse to spend any more time on the subject.  ELEPHANT SEMEN.

On the empty moon inside my mind the view is beautiful and all at once forgettable. I like it that way. Each day bringing something new, why should it not be. Certainty and I sit up there and we laugh at so many things. Most of the times it is simply our belief in each other.

Why not though…

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  1. Pingback: Custom Created Concern | niveknatnof's Blog

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