I went on Holiday, I found nothing, I was Never actually searching though…

So this was originally a different story, a different post in and of itself. I started to think that this idea was more important. You see while I am attempting to write this I am having what might be called a hypoglycemic attack. So for the sake of record I am recording it the best way I can. I am also recording my experiences with others around me.

My eldest daughter Zoe is assisting me in the sense that I have told her my blood sugar is low and I am having her get me orange juice. Bless her heart. I am currently surrounded by three other adult humans. One is a registered nurse and has no fucking clue of the situation playing out in front of very eyes. People become very self involved when they would rather impress their fully grown daughters with the pizza they managed to bring home; as if it were some sort of magic trick.

My mother in law has now asked if I plan on eating anytime soon. If it were that simple. I need to be able to hold the slice of pizza in my hand perhaps before I attempt to eat it. I suppose you might be asking yourself, “what brings one to decide to blog their medical experience when the actual thing I should be doing is wedging a funnel down my throat, and consume copious amount of glucose?”

This was not my original intent this evening; I originally had planed to pen my trip to Jersey and, than to Boston for my younger brother’s wedding/ family reunion. (I will do that soon.) My intent shifted with my A1c. I was sitting here minding my own business, just writing my thoughts out. The room itself participates in a tonal shift. To someone who has never experienced a drop in blood sugar at such a violent level; this can be where everything goes wrong right off the bat. For those of us with more than a few steps already known in this dance this is per the norm. It starts to feel like everyone is maybe mad at you for some reason, they are probably not but for all intents and purposes you think they are.

You might start sweating at an uncomfortable rate and find yourself lacking the words to express yourself properly. Rest assured this is exactly how it feels. Your body is trying to kill you. Why? Well I am not an endocrinologist or a diabetic specialist so I really have no fucking clue. It would seem though that such a perfect machine the human body is it should know to stop consuming or dumping the glucose in itself but no, it just keeps going.

I start drinking cups of orange juice like there’s vodka in it and, I’m in high school. The acid re-flux is going to be hell in a few hours and there is a part of me that really just wants to strangle myself for thinking that because who the fuck wants to admit they are 32. No one likes the idea of aging and their identity dissolving in the ether of a youth wasted. I am not high this is actually part of the attack.

It is at this point I can feel my blood running through me, it feels cold. Someone added ice to my veins and it is not in that cool (no pun intended) I’m a bad ass whose ice cold inside way. It is in this sort of what you might imagine the people in all those movies who get cryogenic frozen feel like. It is apparent and it is unstoppable. Terror. Anxiety. To lesser folk. Not me. I’ve been here before the way the room spins like  bad cinematography is home.

Sweat beads around nerve clusters upsets you because you are freezing and sweating at the same time. You find yourself angry for some reason now. Not exactly sure why or at what direction you are angry so the best course to steer is clear. You do not want to flip on some one for no reason. There is no real guarantee of how you might react. My left hand is trembling like I have palsy, out of habit I rub my knee to try and settle it all down.

My eyes all at once feel like the blood vessels are popping. While everything seems to shudder an all too familiar counter feeling has taken foot. Someone hit the brakes. The orange juice takes effect. So much orange juice. I sing a song about graduation. If you have watched the Matrix series of films you can understand this next bit; your entire body feels like the scene in the park where Neo fights a retarded amount of Agent Smiths. It was all intense than suddenly stops. completely. everything rotates a good 360 degrees and maybe an additional 180 for good measure. everything you were feeling just drops. exasperation sets in. You might be a little cloudy. Not exactly responsive. I usually am. It’s weird I know EMTs and Paramedics alike have looked at me stupefied while my blood sugar dwindled and I remained lucid and coherent. When I fall out and eventually come back from whatever place I go when I am not me. I come back just fine and it unnerves them.

This night it did not go so far, no trips to caverns of my mind space to hide while my body sorts it self out. Now I am just sweaty and tired and all I can hear is that same piano playing in the background that rises and falls over and over again shoving me on. It removes a level of certainty I have about what has happened. Did any of it? I know it seems silly that I am asking that but there are simply parts I can not relate through text because I was not able to at the moment. The event itself leaves you questioning things. It does me at least.  The thing you must keep in mind at all times. I am not as fine as I might seem. I am perfectly fine. There is a million things wrong with me at any given time and most likely with you. We are all doing just fine. The world will not give you a moment to pause and prepare so you better remember what you are doing lest you wind up dead and alone and wondering how you got there. Everything is pretty wonderful if you let it be, try to be more positive and the outcome will seem better.

I am Kevin.

I breathe fire.

I dream Demons.

My very organics betray me. Who are you to think you can stop me?


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